Me. Yesterday.

When you check your starting body fat percentage.

 

 

The Struggle is Real

I saw Magic Mike XXL last night and thanks to this scene, all I took away from the movie was that I wanted to eat an entire red velvet cake a la Amber Heard.

Dieting is awesome.

Week One is Done!

My Week One is done, ladies and gentlemen. Some ups; some downs; who knew how often people ate on TV? Here is my update:

Hey guess what I hate the stepmill.

I will not lie about this. I was definitely on the smug side when approaching the cardio aspect this challenge.  Shit, I spent two years running at 4 AM multiple mornings a week. And not just any runs. We’re talking six miles thrice a week along with two other 10-12 mile runs, one of which was an interval or a tempo. Add to that a tempo-pace run of 15 or more miles, and boom – I was so badass. What the hell was a maximum of 30 minutes of cardio at a time going to bring to the table, amiright?

I don’t know if it wasn’t taking into account the afternoon lifts and post-lift cardio bursts, but come Wednesday’s interval workout through Saturday’s morning hills, my legs felt like 1,000-year-old petrified Redwoods. I laugh now, but it was incredibly disheartening at the time.

Come this morning (Monday, Day One of Week Two), my legs felt a little lighter, although this run was still a lot harder than I remember the first 30 minutes of my runs being.

In the afternoon, my trainer suggested the Stepmill, to which I say it can go fuck itself. Heading into the first Stepmill attempt, I was all, “Self, this is going to be so easy.” Finishing it, I had to sit down on one of the stairs. Long gone are the days on which I judge people for how slowly they appeared to be going.

There was nothing easy about this machine whatsoever. I stayed between level 6 and level 10. And I’m pretty sure that I got motion sickness from staring at what my feet were doing so that I didn’t trip and fall. By Friday it was easier, but not by much.

I Ehat You, Incline Crunches (bonus points to Everybody Loves Raymond fans)

Me vs. The Other Guy

Lifting this week was simply a reality check regarding how weak I am (see photo). I lifted heavily. For me, anyway, although adjusting to reps of 15-20 is difficult when choosing the weight that will challenge you properly. This will be my exploration during Week Two. By that I mean I’ll be asking my trainer what her suggestion is. I trust this chick’s knowledge more than anything (you should, too).

Also, sets of 30 incline crunches get really awkward when you realize halfway through that your underwear is showing for the whole of the gym to see.

The Diet Will Not be Broken When I'm Not Breaking It

I was well aware heading into this competition that eating properly would be my biggest challenge. My boyfriend makes the greatest rice and beans I’ve ever eaten and he makes them semi-nightly. He also eats sweets like a five-year-old. Luckily, though, he’s been incredibly supportive and tries to eat his fatty, sweet, delicious foods away from me. H also helped me immensely while grocery shopping and cooking on the last two Sundays – probably saving me an extra hour that it would have taken solo.

Logistically, the largest problem was not having enough containers in which to store the food for the week. Sounds lame, but it’s really annoying when you want to get everything settled before you head into the week. Also, the amount of dishes sucks as well, thanks to my not having a dishwasher.

 

As far as the actual eating goes, I was great right up until my first social challenge: my nephew’s 5^th birthday party. I’ve spent the majority of my life excusing my eating habits with some variation of “I’ll pick it back up tomorrow.” The problem with this mentality is that if you’re constantly on the last day of your non-diet, you’re constantly unconcerned with how much you eat, therefore the likelihood of binging is at about 100 percent. At least, with me it is. To recap: I was constantly overeating and a birthday party would be a prime situation during which I’d fall into my “pick the diet back up tomorrow.”

Full disclosure: I cheated. I brought meals with me and I still cheated. I ate my meals and I still cheated. I’m not happy about this, and neither was my trainer. However – and I’m aware that this may make me look weak and not make me not sound like I’m serious about competing – I’m proud of myself because my cheat was a salad with extra tomatoes (like a lot) and balsamic vinaigrette plus three pickles. I did not touch the calzones (heaven), the chicken tenders (also heaven), the tortellini salad (bliss), the chips and doritos (mouth salivating) or the pepperoni, cheese and crackers plate (so hungry) that sat in front of me the entire day. In order to not get down on myself and quit, I need to be proud of this. I am still aware, though, that even cheating with healthier foods is no good. I do not plan to do it again.

All that said, I made progress this week! Nothing to scream and shout about, but progress just the same.

 Weekly Check-in:

                    Starting:                End of Week One:

Weight:       171lbs                    165.8

Calf:            14”                         14"

Thigh          24.2”                      22.5"

Hips:           42”                         40.5"

Waist:         34”                         32.5"

Chest:         39”                         37.5"

Bicep:         13”                         12.75"

Just think: only 103 days left!

Today is the Day!

And so begins Week One of my 16-week bikini competition prep. Of course, I’ve already broken one of the rules of contest prep, and that’s the 7-8 hours of sleep a night. It may have been nervous excitement, but despite hitting the pillow at 9:45pm, I wasn’t able to fall asleep until somewhere between 1:30 and 2am and was up at 3:50am for my morning fasted cardio – thanks to my running partner Sara (follow her @SPragluski on Twitter, she’s the tits). Regardless, shit got done.

I’ve had two cups of coffee with sugar-free hazelnut creamer (also the tits), a breakfast of my trainer’s competition prep pancakes, and tons of ounces of water. It’s now 8:39am and yes. I’m already hungry. The struggle.

A big chunk of yesterday was spent with my amazingly supportive boyfriend prepping meals for the week. I’m missing a few end-of-the-week meals because I didn’t plan my shopping properly, but I’ll get that ironed out for next week. Hopefully. It also turns out that I bought too much chicken and steak because I got the number of ounces in a pound wrong (for the record: it’s 16 ounces, not 8). I need more veggies, some grapefruit, some tilapia and some more Tupperware containers. Right now I have a Cool Whip container in my fridge holding bland chicken and boiled potatoes. What a cruel disappointment for my brain and stomach.

So what was my Last Meal? How about my last day of food:

Breakfast (at 2:30pm following a “last night, best night”-style drinking sesh) was an omelette with peppers and onions. And American cheese and bacon and ketchup and salt and two slices of buttered white toast.

Dinner? A delicious pork chop with two helpings of rice and beans.

Dessert: a bowl of Friendly’s Vienna Mocha Chunk ice cream. Followed an hour later by a bowl of Friendly’s Vienna Mocha Chunk ice cream with chocolate syrup.

I regret nothing.

 

Later today it's Chest/Shoulders/Tris plus another 20 minutes of cardio. And possible another cup of coffee.

Body Check-In for this, the 28 day of July in the Year of our Lord 2015:

     Weight: 171.8 lbs

     Calf: 14”

     Thigh: 24.2”

     Hips: 42"

     Waist: 34”

     Bicep: 13”

     Chest: 39”

Here’s to seeing improvement and knowing this will all be worth it in the end.

And So It Begins (Sort of) [UPDATE!]

It’s Week “Negative One” because it’s my run-through week. Today is Wednesday and my real start date isn’t until next Monday. So far, I’ve eaten pizza and cake (on Monday, for my boyfriend’s birthday) and I’ve forgotten Wednesday Meal 2 at home with no break to leave and get it. Yesterday I did a 15-rep squat set feeling good about myself only to have some dude come up to the rack next to me and curl the same weight I just finished squatting. Awesome.

Oh, and I got a throat biopsy yesterday, so I (not proudly) skipped my morning fasted interval workout because I felt like I’d been karate chopped in the neck. I’m aware that this is bad, but that’s why I chose a run-through week. Kind of like a dress rehearsal for the real thing, it lets me work out some kinks I may have. Kinks like having no self-control when it comes to eating. And kinks like I'm lazy.

I have to say, yesterday went well. I burned through my lift – abs and quads – and even though I’ve learned, thanks to our curling overachiever, that I don’t lift as impressive of weights as I thought I would, I know I pushed myself hard enough because I can’t laugh or walk today without pain. I also stuck to the eating plan, although I combined meals 5 and 6 right before bed. Probably not the greatest idea, but my thought process was that it would be better to eat the nutrition rather than skip it.*

Full disclosure: because no alcohol is to be imbibed during bikini prep, I used this week as a run-through due to the fact that I have my first-ever Foxwoods Casino showcase appearance. People often ask me how I can get up in front of a crowd for standup comedy. Well it’s because alcohol helps. I don’t drink often before getting up on stage, in fact I most often make a rule to go up sober, but on a big night like this, a drink or two takes the edge off. From here-on-out, though, it’s stage sobriety!

So this is it, my last two cheats: tonight’s drinks, and Sunday’s Last Meal of something deliciously carb-heavy followed by dessert. And then it’s 16 weeks of Game The Fuck On.

[Update: After speaking with Darcie, my dear friend and trainer from Live Long Training, this was bad. Meal 6 is optional only if I'm staying up late and should never be combined. I should have eaten Meal 5 and hit the pillow. See? Smart to do a run-through.]

Welcome One, Welcome All!

Welcome to Fit, Fab and Funny! I – your host – live in Massachusetts. I’m a comedian who daylights as a teacher. I love my life. I love my friends. I love my family. I love my careers. I love my boyfriend. I love my face. And I want to love my body. This is my journey.

I’ve always been an athlete. Note: I am not saying I was an exceptional athlete. I played collegiate volleyball, but if we’re being completely honest with each other, I played during practice and watched from the bench during games. I’ve run two marathons since graduating. Do not be overly impressed. One was done in 2008 and the other in 2013, neither of which made headlines. But regardless of these feats and of the fact that I live on the healthier side of life, I’ve never been confident in my body. On the contrary. I’ve been incredibly unconfident.

I believe it’s important to explain that my extreme low self-esteem led me to a dangerous place circa 2006. I’d lost about 45 pounds from my heaviest college weight. To accomplish this, I ate no more than 1,080 calories on a daily basis. I was 5’9” and could fit into my 5’2” roommate’s size 2 skirt. But this is the crazy part: even at that size, I still saw “fat” in the mirror. Since then, my weight has been steadily creeping back up the scale, causing stress and periodic panic attacks (I also have anxiety issues. Who knew.). Do not get me wrong – I know exactly why this is happening. I love food. I love to eat food. I love to eat a lot of food. I need to start eating the right food.

Cliché alert!! Through some struggle, self-reflection and discovery, I have much more confidence in myself and put less emphasis on my physical appearance as a determiner of my self-worth. It’s with this stability that I contacted a college friend of mine, now a personal trainer and bikini competitor (seriously, she’s the shit), for help with my next goal: an NPC sanctioned bikini competition. I want to lose weight, and more importantly, I want to do it in a healthy way.

This is where I’ll be documenting my journey from fabulous and funny to fit, fabulous and funny.